Dear Services Canada Functionary,
I would like to alert you to a few errors made while filling out my application for employment insurance. In the Name field, instead of my own name, Ruben Till, I entered the name “Stink-Butt Aaronson.” There was a popular song on the radio at the time, “Dig that Stink-Butt, going on down the well,” or something to that effect and it messed up my mind.
When asked my hourly wage I accidentally wrote $16, when in fact I make $15,000 an hour. I realize this is hard to believe and unfortunately all the documents I have to prove it were thrown down a well as a tribute to Stink-Butt Aaronson.
In the work field I entered, “IT Technician,” but that’s something of a misnomer, my actual title is “Hypnotist (accredited as ‘sinister’) and practitioner of sexual magic.” Similarly I neglected to include some of the training I’ve enjoyed this summer in Tangiers from advisors in the erotic-esoteric. I studied ceremonial hangings, jissom pentagrams, all the old favourites! Shamefully, this was not accommodated by my current employer, OmniVoice Communications. In fact my request for a BRIEF leave of absence led to the current rift between us. I’m not the type to quit a perfectly good job, but the harassment and cock-eyed glances became intolerable. What I’ve done to their telemarketing scripts in retaliation will be a scourge on this nation, a scourge on this motherfucking nation do you hear me?
In the field, “Mother’s maiden name”, I had put “Simpson”. In the interest of being forthright I feel this should be updated. Is my mother not the coo of the singular owl, the short-lived ecstasy of the nitrous oxide abuser, a handful of rotten flowers dark as night and time? Lo, the ghosts of my childhood miseries, Lo, the hue of that ceremonially hanged virgin’s cheek…what is a mother but a whore, a nurse-maid, and a sexual partner Abraxis-willing! Those ceremonies had to be performed! A curse on her! Now her bones rot in the field behind her apartment (212 Jones St., Whitby, Ont. in case that’s relevant).
As you can see, my answers are more nuanced than your narrow fields of perception (and data input) allow for. Perhaps you should hire me to revamp your site. Think very seriously about this. All it takes is one phone call and the sound of my voice and you will be in the wizard’s glass! I am viewing you in an Obsidian bowl right now, I see your beady eyes, coward! At the very least you want to give me approximately $180,000 a week in EI benefits! Indefffiniiitly! Got that?
Ruben Till (aka Stink-Butt Aaronson, aka The Scorpion of Scofflaw)
108u028u0 (the mark of abeeezel, twice upon ye)